BEAUTY

The Woo Ha Wax Off.

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I’m not gonna beat around the bush (mind the pun).  So let’s get to it. VAGINA. The word some people may cringe at or avoid because it’s so personal. Why are you ashamed? This fantastic beautiful organ is your boom box, your lucky charm, your baby maker. Or you could call it the; woo ha, vagine, copher, cunt, pussy, twat, cooter, beaver, fish lips, taco, camel toe, muff, snatch, fuck hole, garage, oven, love button, penis glove, cock sock, cock pocket, JJ, hoohah, bajingo, cum dumpster, sperm bottle, goop chute, slit, trim, quim, pooter, love rug, poontang, poonanie, cooch, tunnel of love, vertical bacon sandwich, bearded clam, cookie, cooleyhopper, nookie, the pink, honey pot, cunny, vag, meat curtains, hatchet wound, putz, fur burger, box, front bottom, gash, kebab, kitty, minge, snapper, catfish, vertical smile, lovebox, love canal, nana, flower, the cum dump, chocha, black hole, sperm sucker, fish sandwich, cock warmer, whisker biscuit, carpet, deep socket, cum craver, cock squeezer, slice of heaven, flesh cavern, the great divide, cherry, tongue depressor, clit slit,laps, fuzz box, fuzzy wuzzy, glory hole, grumble, man in the boat, mud flaps, mound, peach, piss flaps, the fish flap, he furry cup, stench-trench, wizard’s sleeve, DNA dumpster, tuna town, split dick, bikini bizkit, cock holster, cockpit, snooch, kitty kat, poody tat, grassy knoll, cold cut combo, Jewel box, rosebud, curly curtains, furry furnace, slop hole, velcro love triangle, nether lips, where Uncle’s doodle goes, altar of love, cupid’s cupboard, bird’s nest, bucket, cock-chafer, love glove, serpent socket, spunk-pot, hairy doughnut, fun hatch, spasm chasm, red lane, stinky speedway, bacon hole, belly entrance, sugar basin, sweet briar. And these are just a few.

Unwanted hair in all the wrong places. I tend to whisper to myself very few weeks, “For god sake, why can’t the hair on my head grow fast like the hair on the rest of my body?”  This is my que. This is hair removal time. Ladies, I’m assuming we can all agree that we started with the razor method. We’ve shaved our love glove and dealt with those evil ingrown hairs and cuts. Tiny bumps form. You sit down and become obsessed with removing the annoying ingrown hair. You squeeze it, thinking it’s tiny. To your surprise it’s long and thick (get your mind out of my gutter).  It slithers out of that bump, bulbous head protruding. As you pick it out you say aloud in your best theatre voice. “Got you! Ya little devil!!!!!!!”. C’mon have a little fun here. All the worlds a stage even if it’s in your washroom. Why is society fascinated with the ingrown hair? Or is it just me? It could be me. I’m fine with that. How about Nair? Yep. Been there done that. $8.99 a box. It’s perfect! BONUS: They even throw in a plastic applicator with aloe cream. Now, you can master the creaming application. You really got yourself a deal here.  Plus you earn the bonus points at your friendly neighbourhood Shoppers Drug Mart. You slather the cream on like a baker carefully applying whipped cream to a cupcake. Squatting in position to avoid your thighs rubbing, your slightly part your legs. This is your position for about 20 minutes. Little hairs start to detach (this is all because of a cream!!!! Makes ya think). It is pretty darn fascinating, I must admit. You make sure to lock the bathroom door and make up any excuse to why your partner, mistress, lover, roommate, parents?  can not use the washroom. “I’m taking a shower” I yell. They yell back with sarcasm seeping in their voice, “That’s a pretty long shower and I don’t hear the water”. You retort back, “You must be deaf!” Lucky enough you are close to the tap and can turn it on. Still in position, working your butt  muscles from the squat, you continue  reading the latest edition of ELLE magazine. Finally! – Time to wipe/wash the cream off.  The hair wipes off onto your washcloth and you are done. Please do not use this on your face. Oh, but wait!…… Nope you’re not done. There are still tiny hairs that are lingering and did not take.  Grrr, you growl like a dog. Begrudgingly, you apply more smelly cream to make sure you get in every little nook and cranny. Hopefully you don’t actually get it in your love part or butox. That would sting (trust me). Unfortunately before you know it, a couple of days go by and the hair starts to grow back. Yikes! It’s thicker and irritation has begun. You apply the cream (thank you BONUS) and then chuck it across the room because it doesn’t do a damn thing. It makes it in the waste paper basket. I, “hooray” aloud! Arms in the air, standing naked in the middle of the washroom, Success! Small victories people. I never made the basket ball team but I do got some skill. I’m known to be stealth.  

I turned a leaf over the past few years. I’ve tried soft wax (hurt like a mofo). Legs shaking, palms sweaty, I walked out halfway through my appointment. Then I discovered hard wax at my new favourite place, Frilly Lilly . It’s like a candy store for your vagina. Here is their waxing menu. 

Brazilian Wax – $58

Nothing’s left. That’s right. Nothing.

Hawaiian Wax – $58

Aloha! Bare’ly there.

Canadian Wax – $35

O Canada! Perfect for the Canadian bikini.

Alaskan Wax – $25

I walk in and my vagina is smiling. I admit, I still get anxious at the thought of it. But we always think the worst. “What if wax seeps inside?” , “What if the fire alarm goes off?”, “What if my vagina rips off?”, “Is she judging my vagina?”. “What if I fart?”. Judgements and fears  fly through your head like a hungry bird. Then you question, “Am I a bird?” Silly. Silly. No! I’m a peacock. After consistently going every 5 weeks you gain a relationship with your female “waxer”. You are delighted to see each other, “Wow I feel like I was just here!”, you even give your new friend a hug. I mean it’s not everyday you have life chats half-naked with a new friend. This Is Amazing! And once you’re lying on that table with your rocket exposed you realize you are in good hands. Literally. The rubber gloves are on and it’s time to get down to business. In the beginning I had the shaky leg and clammy hands but over time I started to feel more like a champ. I may wince, curse, and hold my breath, but I remind myself that I won’t have to deal with unwanted hair for about 4 weeks. Then I start dreaming of unicorns and rainbows and things start looking even brighter. As I picture a unicorn galloping through green pastures, my day-dream is slowly interrupted when she  asks me to,  “cannon ball” (hug your knees in for the rear wax) or lie down, one leg up in tree pose (for the tiny sensitive bits). Best part of it all. It’s over in 25 minutes and your vagina is ready to rock.  The pain slowly dissipates as time goes on. The more you do it and stay consistent with  your appointments, the more you get used to it. You may even learn to love it. Your vagina then thanks you for making her feel rejuvenated and pristine. If she talks there may be a problem but subliminally you know what she’s saying. And so will your partner.

A few tid bits of info on hard wax. HARD WAX is strip – less wax. Instead it is applied slightly thicker to the skin than soft wax, so become entangled in the hair for more effective removal. It then hardens and is peeled off. The wax is applied at a little hight temperature to allow the pores to open more and for hair to be removed more easily and less painfully.

Benefits of Hard Wax

  • Does not irritate the skin as other waxes do
  • Removes all hair of varying length and thickness (especially coarse hair) effectively.
  • Prevents & reduces ingrown hairs
  • More gentle on the skin
  • Skin is smoother after waxing
  • Hair grows back slower
  • Less painful ….and many more benefits!

So there you be. That’s enough muff talk for the night. – CS XX

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